when I see the phrase “Queer Joy” and my mind goes


the sight of

a yellow truck hits me on the face
the way i want joy, you
as a surprise sweetness gripping me 
before I get the chance to go to bed

there’s a pink handkerchief on the floor

and i think of a painting I made
of a person unknown
hair in braids
the background is pink and yellow
and there is no face
all that is left is desire
that time I did not understand my

desire that
there is no “desire” without “die”-ing
I remember myself,
the air blowing across my face
and the blue sky hitting me,
reminding me of a bleached blue bedspread I saw
in the hospital
I wonder if that is the origin of beauty-
all that drenching and rust

back to myself,
my face sitting in a holy place
with the light from the window caressing me
hitting my face gently
all that lightness made me imagine a heaviness,
a body in transit above me
I want to beg for forgiveness for this desire
even when I know I shouldn’t 

I remember the light falling across you in the room
the skin on your hip shining golden
the sun behind dreaming
love, I am die-ing once again
drown me in the weight of this desire
I know I will never be this pure

About the author:

Rafiat Lamidi is a lover of art. She creates through writing, painting and photography.  Her works have been published or forthcoming in Kalahari Review, Olney Magazine, Stone of Madness Press, The Blood Beats series, Lolwe, and elsewhere. She is eternally grateful for sleep and rain. She tweets @rauvsbunny. 

Photo by Mayur Deshpande on Unsplash