when I see the phrase “Queer Joy” and my mind goes Blank the sight of a yellow truck hits me on the face the way i want joy, you as a surprise sweetness gripping me before I get the chance to go to bed see there’s a pink handkerchief on the floor and i think of a painting I made of a person unknown hair in braids the background is pink and yellow and there is no face all that is left is desire that time I did not understand my desire that there is no “desire” without “die”-ing I remember myself, the air blowing across my face and the blue sky hitting me, reminding me of a bleached blue bedspread I saw in the hospital I wonder if that is the origin of beauty- all that drenching and rust back to myself, my face sitting in a holy place with the light from the window caressing me hitting my face gently all that lightness made me imagine a heaviness, a body in transit above me yet I want to beg for forgiveness for this desire even when I know I shouldn’t I remember the light falling across you in the room the skin on your hip shining golden the sun behind dreaming love, I am die-ing once again drown me in the weight of this desire I know I will never be this pure
About the author:
Rafiat Lamidi is a lover of art. She creates through writing, painting and photography. Her works have been published or forthcoming in Kalahari Review, Olney Magazine, Stone of Madness Press, The Blood Beats series, Lolwe, and elsewhere. She is eternally grateful for sleep and rain. She tweets @rauvsbunny.