We say goodbye and I jump onto the train and I begin wondering if I had been too much or too little so I replay the date in my head to picture how it had been for you because I know it went well for me but I have a bad habit of misreading the room but you showed interest because you asked questions about my life and my job and my plans for the following week and you even kissed me on the lips as we said goodbye however we did not make plans for another date so I decided to give it a few hours before sending you a message to ask for one even if I know it will be agony to wait to send a message and subsequently wait for your response should you even decide to respond because I guess there always exists the possibility of you not seeing a future for us the way I see a future for us somewhere on the coast or the countryside or even somewhere cool like Spain if you are willing to take me there we could go meet your cousin in Mallorca first and then build a life in a little village like what happened to a friend of mine who got taken on holiday to Italy after only meeting the guy for a couple of dates and then somehow they managed despite Brexit to move to a small town on the outskirts of Rome and that makes me jealous until this day even though I know that possibility exists for us too because we had a special bond and we laughed and smiled and spoke about serious things like Ukraine and there was this undeniable chemistry between us that makes me think you are the person who I could spend the rest of my life with and who could even want to raise my children and allow us to a lead a happily ever after together without anybody else interfering in what we share but then again you work for an oil company and I do not know if I could marry someone who works for an oil company because you are kind of destroying the planet and it is almost laughable that you asked me if it was difficult to make a living as a writer because you are the one with the bullshit job not me and you would be lucky if I was to date you because at least then I would have an interesting job and an interesting life where I have travelled to countless different countries like China and Iran and you grew up in Durham and sometimes travel to Surrey as if that’s exciting and you would probably never even dream of moving to Spain or Italy and I have a feeling you have the same friends from high school who keep doing the same thing every weekend like going to the flower market or getting sloshed at the local gay bar and it is embarrassing to have been on a date with you but then again you did pay for everything even if I insisted on splitting the bill and it made me think about how much you could provide for me and the children and you seem like the person who would take care of not only your parents in their old age but my parents too which would be nice and you held doors open for me and you laughed at my stupid jokes even when they were not that funny but now that I think about it you were not making very funny jokes either and you were just laughing at whatever I said and that just shows I can make any date nice because I am a funny and unique person who made you interesting by letting you talk about some dumb lame indie band you saw and were adamant on talking about and then you proceeded to tell me about how your favourite food was pizza but I doubt you have had proper pizza you know like what they do in Italy although you did tell me that you once made a pizza and you put anchovies on top and it was funny because anchovies are one of my favourite toppings to put on pizza too and that just goes to show we do have a connection because sometimes it is not the grand gestures that are everything but the simple things like anchovies and a decent job because we should not be defined by our jobs and even if you work for an oil company that is not a problem because it is just a job it is not your passion and gone are the days of the bourgeoise trope of needing to enjoy our jobs because at the end of the day we are all just trying to get by and I do not mind that you work for an oil company and I would even defend you in front of my friends if they tried to judge you because despite them being successful artists they sometimes take flights to South America and West Africa and flights cause the world to die too and everything is just on a scale and it would be unfair to place the burden of the world onto your shoulders because you are just trying to live a decent life like me like my friends like the rest of the world and you genuinely seemed very nice and caring and compassionate but I will admit when you took off your cap and exposed your receding hairline it made me question whether we could be together because honestly just looking at that lack of hair is kind of freaky it just goes so far back and no it is not the same as other guys who have it because yours is huge and I worry that the hairline is the first thing that people notice about you and I could just simply not live well being married to and having children with someone who is likely to be bald and then I am literally stuck with a bald man but there will be children involved and it will be such a shame to have a divorce already yet that is just my prejudice talking and you like wearing hats anyway because online that is what you are always doing those little hats to cover your receding hairline and I wonder if everyone else knows what is underneath there or if you have fooled them because I had no idea after stalking you which is why it was a surprise to figure out that you were almost balding yet I guess that is an exaggeration it was not that bad I just latch onto things and make them a bigger deal to convince myself of an impossibility or admittedly sometimes it is the reverse and I latch onto good things to convince me of a bright future you see the former allows me to find ways to not commit to anybody and the latter allows me to fantasize about the means of getting through the drudgery of the present and I wish I could have told you that because you would have understood and we could trauma bond or you’d be overwhelmed because you are simple but simple is good because life is complicated but you have money and you have too much money and you are cute but still balding and I imagine my friends liking your dress sense but you might have an overbearing presence overtime and you didn’t stick your tongue down my throat when I left but you did initiate the peck and I love you and I hate you and I want you in my life and I want to ghost you and I think you are such an asshole for making yourself appear differently online to how you were in person because you do not look like your photos and you do not have the same humorous banter as mentioned in your profile but you have a sweeter personality that is less arrogant and there is still twenty minutes left until I have signal on my phone again which leaves me spiralling because maybe you have messaged me already in which case I will be able to continue my day with glee knowing you are interested and also I will have the power to simply not answer but then again if you do not message first I am left with having to wait for those hours I set as my rule to not overwhelm you but I could just break my own rule because this is true love and it is better to not play games it is better just to put myself out there as much as possible because I like you so please like me back I will do everything for you to like me too and if you don’t then honestly you can go to hell because you are worthless and you mean absolutely nothing to me because I have the power over you because I am probably smarter and handsomer than you oil-guzzling anchovy-eating Durham-born Surrey-holidaying hat-wearing epically-balding monstrosity of a human being who sometimes has a cute smile that appears genuine because I think you are the person who just puts their heart on their sleeve like me and how did I forget that you are a Pisces too and I am not sure anymore but I have a feeling that makes us compatible but hold on if you are a Pisces too then you are probably having these thoughts like me and if you are that must mean you are crazy but unlike me you are probably unaware of just how crazy you are at least with me I know I am crazy but I am still kind and I just want to be loved so please message me first or at least message me back if I message so I am not stuck waiting and I am sorry I will try and improve for you I will do everything I can in my power to be the best person and look at me I am even crying on the train because I just want you and you are perfect and why can’t we just sign the contract now and call it a day because I need the certainty that you will not leave me like everybody does please just love me and I am going to listen to sad music so I can cry more and punish myself and someone just offered me a tissue on the train and I said thank you and I don’t know why but I can’t stand you and I detest you and you mean nothing to me and it will be better if you just don’t message me back because look at me I am unhinged and it is better if I am just left alone because there is no way I can be loved please do not try and call me I need to be alone I just want my Mum please I want my Mum and my body is shaking and I feel myself getting dizzy and just let me go let me escape let me drown let me suffocate let me bleed because the pain is too much and don’t you even try and be nice to me please when letting me down I don’t deserve happiness I don’t deserve you I am a monster I am the devil and I will always be unloved I will always be sad and I finally get off the train I want to run to bed and keep balling but there is a message from you asking to meet again and my heart melts and we’ll meet again on Tuesday and I must tell my friends. 

About the Author

Matthew Abbey is a doctoral student focusing on sexuality, borders, and art. He has published in numerous academic journals such as Sexualities and the European Journal of Cultural Studies. He has also written for various media outlets such as The Guardian and Foreign Policy. Social media: mtthwbby (Instagram), mtthwbby (Twitter)

*Featured image by Goran Tomic